But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions–it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5 (NIV)
My birth father was a very “unkind” person. Children weren’t to be seen or heard. The least infraction or word spoken out of order resulted in a backhand to the face and a tumble across the floor. It was just the way thing were in my home in the 50’s.
A memory came back to me of an event that impacted my life in a difficult way. I was 8 at the time, my brother was 6, and my sister was close to 3. My sister had been given a medium size baby doll. One day my dad decided to rip the head off of that doll and turn it inside out. To a child a doll can be very real and I remember the horror I felt when he ripped the head off, and the intensified feeling when he turned it inside out; the eyes bulging out and showing the hair stitched to the scalp.
He found great pleasure in the fact that it frightened my brother and me. He put the head on a stick, thrusting it at us, and screaming something as we ran around the outside of the house, trying to get away. He found where we were hiding and repeated his thrusting, time after time after time. My brother and I screaming with fear. When he grew tired of chasing us he mounted the head on the fence post of our front yard gate. We were too afraid to go past the head to go through the front door and into the house. It remained there for weeks. I never wanted a doll after that. I could not get the pictures of that event out of my mind.
It took a long time for me to completely believe in and trust God. I didn’t find relationship with Jesus until I was 38 years old, and I didn’t completely believe that the promises of God were for someone like me – a nobody – a loser – an unwanted person.
I struggled with who I was and how an almighty God could love me when I never had felt the love of an adult. How could I believe the words in the New Testament when I had never had a practical application to compare it to.
I continued to battle with myself about God and who I was until the night I received the Baptism of the Holy Ghost. I had prayed at the altar every Sunday night for almost 2 years for the Baptism. The long period of prayer seemed to mock my low self-esteem. One day a woman gave her testimony in service. She said that she had tried and tried to receive the Baptism without success, and kept repeating that she wasn’t worthy enough to receive the Baptism. Then she heard the voice of God tell her that no one is worthy to receive it; it’s a free gift from the love of God. When she heard those words she relaxed, praised, and received. The next week I received the Baptism and with it came warmth and peace and an incredible feeling of being wholly loved by someone that would never let me go.
When a person steps out of abusive relationships they find it so difficult to trust God. They want so strongly to believe in His promises, yet they are terrified that once again they will be betrayed. It takes special people to help them step past that fear and understand the love and peace found in God.
Lord, help me to be a catalyst to the wounded, to help them to believe in who You are. Help me to help them believe in pure love, pure faith and in themselves – the person You see, and not the reflection of the past they see in the mirror. Let me be your hands and feet to the world. Let me be Your testimony.
Written 5/11/12
Linda J. Humes 