Tag Archives: Pain

ISOLATION

20 Oct

He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. Psalm 91:15

—

I have fallen back into myself,

It’s so comfortable there.

—

I see the child

Looking for shelter, reaching out to me,

By my solitude – so precious –

Keeps me from reaching back.

—

I see the man

Drinking away his pain.

“No, no, no.” I shout,

But from my safe place no one can hear,

They continue toward death.

—

I see the woman

At the point of desperation

Mouths to feed, bills to pay, all alone.

I start to reach out

But in my isolation she can’t see I care.

—

The pain of others so overwhelms me

That I crawl farther out of sight

To my safe place with Jesus.

—

Yet in my safe place there’s a stirring

Scriptures echo in my mind

The rumbling of the Spirit bursts through bone and sinew!

—

“Is this what I’ve called you to?” Cries God.

Hesitantly I look into the eyes of my Father,

He’s not angry, only hurt.

—

The tenderness in His eyes draws me.

I reach for His outstretched hand,

And step back out of myself.

—

In my mouth He’s placed the words that I must take,

To the Child, To the Woman, To the Man.

—

The words that will turn their pain to Hope,

Their death to Life.

—

The Words – The Gift – of my Father.

 

—

Written 2/5/2003

—

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

God’s Perfect Gift

10 Sep

 

I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.  Song of Solomon 2:1 KJV

 

You came up,

 out of the desert,

 as a pure white rose,

 born in a wilderness,

 breathtakingly fragrant.


You stood for all that was true,

 in a land without water,

 in a world wroth with sin,

 forged in pain.


People searched you out,

 grasping at your petals,

 a sweet scent to hold on to,

 until only the stem remained,

 circled about with thorns.


When it seemed to all,

 that nothing was left,

 You bloomed again,

 as the Phoenix bird,

 rising from the ashes,

 lifted high above the crowd,

 on an unfinished wooden cross.


In your final flower,

 the new petals fell,

 each bearing the name,

 of sin and pain,

 all that was removed,

 from our condemned lives.


The petals falling,

 willingly given,

 to redeem the lost,

 every provision considered,

 every provision met.


First fell shame,

 for not recognizing,

 who You were,

 then guilt,

 for the pain You endured.


There was sickness,

 depression, fear,

 sins of the past,

 broken in travel,

 to the generations,

 of the future.


On and on they fell,

 one by one,

 stripping away hopelessness,

 giving new life,

 in the sight of eternity.


As the last petal fell,

 Your Father, our Father,

 gasped,

 shaking the earth with His pain,

 dimming the light from the sky.


There You hung,

 looking no more,

 than a dry broken twig,

 soon to be buried,

 in the bowels of the earth.


Yet, inside that twig,

 lay a seed,

 a new life,

 taking root in the earth,

 preparing to grow,

 preparing to bloom,

 as Aaron’s rod,

 a sign to the nations,

 of God’s perfect love,

 in the gift of,

the Rose.

 

Written 11-14-98

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEPRESSION

8 Sep

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.     Psalms 42:5-6 (KJV)

Depression started for me in my early teens. It is a dark consuming pain – beyond tears and hope. It is the feeling of helplessness – no control over any portion of your life, not your thoughts, your appetite, not even your emotions. It is difficult to focus, it is difficult to breathe. It is Satan’s greatest tool to stop God’s children from striving.

When I became a Christian my battle with depression ceased for a long time. I quit my well-paying, secure job and went into full-time ministry. What a delightful and faith-testing time. I dove head first into Biblical study and worship music (playing and singing). I think that God allowed me this peaceful time to build the strong foundation of faith that I was going to need to stand during the trials and storms of the future.

Challenges came – life changing events and situations that threatened to destroy our family and our faith – but we stood. Each time we grew stronger. The Depression there, but not consuming as it had been in the past, until recently.

For all the times we’ve faced life’s challenges in the past, this year has been a series of events that far surpassed anything we could have anticipated. I looked at our circumstances, I looked at our resources, I took my eyes off of our true Source – the darkness overtook me.

Well meaning friends offered words they thought would encourage – but cut like a knife. “If you have Jesus in your heart, you will never be without peace.” “If you have faith in Jesus you wouldn’t be depressed.” I guess they haven’t read passages in Psalm, Ecclesiastes or Job! Some of our greatest Bible leaders suffered terrible depression and wrote as they cried out to God.

I have a good friend and pastor who once told me that Depression was anger turned inward. I agree. You realize how little control you have over problems and situations and feel so helpless at your own inabilities; you turn inward.

I remember crying out to God for hours to help me get out of the dark hollowness. When I went into deep worship my darkness lifted. I asked God why He allowed me to go so deep into despair, why He wasn’t there with me. He showed me how He had been right next to me all the time, reaching a hand down to pull me up, waiting for me to reach back. He showed me where His hand had been moving on the situations all the time. I was able to see the miracles blooming all around. I could see His teardrops on my shoulder when He cried with me in my pain.

King David said that God taught our hands to war and our fingers to fight – I war with the enemy of our soul with my pen and paper. I will war for King Jesus – and hope my words will help others overcome the darkness that overcomes even the strongest saint. God, hold me ever near that I may never loose sight of You and who You are. I know You will always stand with me – and cry with me in my pain. Keep my mind set on you that I might never slip again into that pit.

 

 

Written 6-24-2008

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

CRIMSON BLOOD

8 Sep

Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.       Hebrews 13:20-21

 

So curious a creature are we,

 ingenious in the ways of war,

 yet perplexed by wounds,

 ever so greater,

 than any weapon,

 could ever conceive.



Wounds so deep,

 into the hearts,

 of our smallest children,

 that no medicine made,

 today or tomorrow,

 could ever lift the pain,

 piercing through.



Fatal wounds inflicted,

 by those they love most,

 in acts of anger,

 in acts of arrogance,

 in tearing away,

 from the gift they call love.



When the hope dies,

 along with worthiness,

 the wounded child,

 remains small,

 though the body may grow,

 to adulthood,

 to accountability.



Where, then, do they turn,

 when they scream out for love,

 from a deadened heart,

 pushed so deeply,

 into a box,

 of protective devices,

 flushed by deadening tasks?



Who, then, can see,

 into the callused eyes,

 shielding the soul,

 from any possibility,

 of additional wounds.



Only the Son of Light,

 can burn so bright,

 as to see into the depths,

 of a lightless life.



Only the Son of Life,

 can loosen the sword,

 of tainted love,

 and killing words,

 to free the fatal wound,

 in the deadened heart,

 of a little child,

 now the shape of a man.



It is only the Son,

 who called us from birth,

 set angels at our side,

 and prayed with our prayers,

 until the day,

 we were ready to heal.



It is only the Son,

 who’s dark crimson blood,

 entered into the wound,

 lubricating the weapon,

 only He could remove,

 cauterizing the opened cavity,

 filling it with the endless gift,

 of God’s perfect love.

 

 

Written 11-15-1998

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Moment In Time

19 Aug 



“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32


Satan takes a moment in time,

and creates a most horrible incident,

that scars and fractures,

our views and beliefs,

for the rest of our lives.


He strategically places in our path,

demonized souls – the mentally ill,

some that say that they come

in the name of the Lord,

to steal our innocence,

fill us with fear,

and distort the way we view

every person, every sound,

every surrounding, every shape,

every race, every fragrance,

from that day forward.


We cower consciously for months or years,

subconsciously for decades,

trying to walk past the anxieties

we may not understand.


We displace the anger and hurt onto the innocent,

often onto those people we love the most,

justifying our behavior with false truths,

and attempting Biblical justification,

but knowing deep inside,

our actions were wrong,

yet not knowing how to stop,

and feeling deeper and deeper guilt,

because of it.


We blame God for not being there,

we run from the very presence

that can bring us healing.


We run from others,

we run from ourselves,

we run from every possible circumstance,

that could possibly bring us pain.

We run and run and run,

until we are unable to take,

another step.


It’s at that moment,

when we can run no farther,

when we cry out to others for answers,

when we cry out to God for help,

that Jesus can draw close.


It’s in that time that we can see,

that He was with us,

all the time,

crying with our pain,

holding us as we wept in the night,

waiting for us to call upon Him,

to heal the brokenness

we can no longer endure.


In that breaking moment,

when Satan’s shackles are broken away,

when our mind is refreshed,

and our vision restored,

that healing comes,

wave by wave,

washing, cleansing, renewing.


Prejudice is lost,

fear is captured,

hatred is banished,

anger subdued,

life restored.


Come Lord Jesus.



Written - 9-29-2000

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Pruning Roses

12 Oct

 

I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.        John 15:1-2 (KJV)

Yesterday I was cutting back the rose hips on my beautiful rose bushes.  The remaining roses filled the air with the most magnificent scent.  I knew that if I wanted more roses to fill the bush that I needed to cut away the rose hips so that the bush could concentrate on producing new buds.  Failing to prune away the rose hips would stunt the bush.  The bush works hard to keep the roses full and fragrant.  When the petals fall away, it still is working hard to keep the dying rose hips healthy and doesn’t focus on bringing out new buds.

How often do we continue to focus on the dying parts of our lives?  We have dying relationships or old hurts and wounds that we allow to stay in our life, not purging them away or working past them.  As they continue to fill our mind and take up our time, they keep us from pursuing new relationships and dreaming new dreams.

We allow things to rise and fall in our memories that pull us into depression or anger and detract us from finding the true joy that God has planned for us.  Forgiveness is only the beginning of the process, once we forgive we must let the memories and emotions go, we must prune them away.

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.    Colossians 3:12-14 (KJV)

God never intended for us to be caught up in the “old us” and not renew ourselves to walk in His perfect love and joy.  God knew that we would face trials and tribulations and even made note that those would help build us and make us even stronger, but we had to let them go.  Not easy, but the rewards are wonderful.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.    James 1:2-4 (KJV)

Lord, let me stand before You, open to Your full pruning.  Cut away the old me, the pain, the hurts, the cutting words and the broken promises that has left me unable to receive all that You have for me.  Help me to flower forth with a sweet fragrance for others to enjoy.  Let that fragrance encourage others to want to be pruned and molded by Your mighty hands.  Amen.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Martyred

18 Jul

 Martyred Hand

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.  What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?  Mark 8:34-36 (NIV)

Recently I’ve had a bout with sciatica.  I’d heard of it before, but never realized the pain that accompanied it.  It isn’t one of those “if I turn just right the pain will go away” kinds of pains, it’s one of those “no matter what I do I can barely breathe” kind of pains.

Day three was the most intense and I was collecting exercise and stretching advice from as many folks as I could.  All of the exercises helped the pain subside, some, but first thing each morning, crawling out of bed, the pain was always the worse.

Standing was the least painful, sitting was the worse, lying down took strategy . . . still haven’t quite mastered it.  I was trying to do my morning reading and devotionals and found myself walking in circles in the living room, trying to read my Bible as pain free as possible.  At one point I started yelling at Satan to let go of my body and take his pain away from me.  After a while I was praying for healing to my God.  I reminded Him of His scriptures and His stripes.  Then I heard His still small voice, “this pain is nothing compared to what many saints endure for My sake.”

Oh, my, the tortured and martyred Missionaries for Christ.  In a foreign land, tortured and kept in prisons with little food and water; often killed.  I have a home, a soft bed, a comfortable chair to sit in, food in the cupboard and clean water in the tap.  I have so much and I complain about pain.

It’s 1 am of day 5 and it’s hard to sleep.  Yes, the pain is uncomfortable, but with every pinch I think about one of those Saints.  Outside the wind is blowing, I’m safe inside, but I’m thinking about the conditions surrounding those Saints.  How could I have missed thinking about those Saints?

I don’t know, as in Job, whether God is using this affliction to test me.  I do know that it has made me aware of something that I had unintentionally closed my eyes to – the Missionaries that are tortured and martyred for Christ.  How did they endure the pain?  Was it like Stephen who felt nothing as he looked upward into the face of God as he was being stoned to death?  Or was it like Jesus who was beaten, tortured, and hung on the cross in excruciating pain, crying out to the Father, asking why He had been forsaken?

I do know this, with my awareness comes my prayers.  I may not know their individual names or locations, but my Father does.  God, I pray for your children, beaten and tortured for proclaiming You and teaching Your word.  I also pray for the souls of those that bring them harm for they know not what they do.

Jesus, let me NEVER forget.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Newer Entries →