After retiring, and then developing a debilitating chronic illness, I realized how very difficult it was to continue any sort of a “normal life”. When you spend 50 years up at 6am, off to work by 7am, home by 6pm, meals to prepare, chores to do, kids to help, events to plan, meetings to prepare for, go, go, go, go – and then all of the sudden – STOP – you get lost. You lose your purpose. You don’t know why you are alive anymore. You fall into depression.
This article is about how to continue to feel useful. It’s about how to make purpose out of your non-working life. It’s about realizing how very important your days, hours, minutes and seconds are; not just to you, but to so many other people who have been waiting for someone like you, someone who cares.
After I recognized how to pull myself out of the “why should I even get out of bed” syndrome I noticed that I wasn’t the only “mover and shaker” lost in the transition. Not everyone was a retired person, some were people who had lost jobs, graduated from college and didn’t have something to shift into right away, became ill, or had children and chose to stay home to care for them. Each battled an “importance” in their lives that had to be developed by retraining what was REQUIRED of them, to what was NECESSARY for them to feel their value.
This is a list of things that helped me, and I hope will help you, to restart your time clock to your new “normal”. These steps will help you find focus, purpose, and a new way of seeing your value. I encourage you to take the time to read and consider these suggestions.
How Do I Get My Life Back:
- Set your alarm – get up by ______. It doesn’t have to be 6am anymore, but it has to be a time that you are accountable to adhering too. I found that I was usually awake early by habit because of my years of working, so I made that automatic wake up time my alarm time. Laying in bed leads to overthinking and depression.
- Make your bed. Once your bed is made it is harder to just climb back in and lay there thinking about what used to be. Make it and walk out of the room. Go have coffee at the kitchen table or in the living room; anywhere but the bedroom.
- Change out of your pajamas. It is so easy to live for days in those soft wonderful PJs, but it is hard to not think of returning to bed or vegging on the sofa when you are wearing them! Get dressed. Wear something that you would wear if you were heading to town. Start your day with deliberate anticipation.
- Eat breakfast by _____. Just like when you worked away from home, you need that most important meal of the day – Breakfast!! Get up and eat. You will feel more determined when you are ready for anything that may come. A good breakfast will give you the energy and soundness of mind to tackle whatever chore you have placed on your calendar.
- Computer time. It’s great to get on the computer and connect with folks from far and near, but it isn’t okay to spend all day surfing memes and accomplishing nothing! Determine a time for social media. Determine a time for research. Determine a time for game playing. Determine a time to turn the computer off. The computer is a tool that can become an addiction if not monitored carefully. You are the only one who knows what is a healthy time and what is not. You may be on the computer more than others if you have decided to write a book, or research a whole new area, or ???? But you need to decide what is enough and set a healthy boundary.
- Contact and encourage people in their best way. Each person relates to other people in different ways, and each of your friends relates to you in different ways. I was homebound, not allowed to be around people for many years (immune system problems), and I had little to no phone service. The best way to stay in touch with me was to email or text me. Each of your friends have a different preference, be sure to reach out in the way that they relate to the best. You don’t have to contact people every day, but find a day (or days) of the week dedicated to reaching out. I have several people that I text every day, first thing in the morning, to encourage them. Some people I will send a note, or an email of interest, or a snail mail letter as often as once a week, or as rare as once a month.
- Text
- Messenger
- Phone call
- Visit in person
- Mail a card or a letter
- Eat lunch by _____. Don’t let the day go by and realize that you have forgot to eat because the folks you usually ate lunch with aren’t there. Make an actual lunch, not just a handful of chips!! Make a lunch date once every week or two, nothing better than spending 45 minutes to an hour visiting with a friend over a meal. I have found that setting alarms in my phone for stopping for a meal, or exercise, or ??, truly helps.
- Read – Write – Study. Set a time for yourself to accomplish these areas and write what you have accomplished in a calendar or journal. Don’t rely on your memory to keep track of everything, there are just too many distractions in a day. Write it down and every once in a while, go back and see what you have accomplished.
- Learn something new every day. Doesn’t matter what it is, it keeps your mind young and your memory strong. It could be as simple as the color of a particular flower, to a process of accomplishing a chore, or to the history of the American WWII fighter pilots. Write it down!!
- Volunteer at least once a week at a non-profit or church. You have valuable skills that others need. There are so many agencies that need help and so few volunteers. You age isn’t usually an issue, it’s the helpful attitude that makes the big difference.
- Animal shelters need people to love on animals, take them for walks, give them a bath, even read stories to them.
- Senior Centers often have kitchens where you can prepare meals, deliver meals, cook, or wash dishes. They also generally have a thrift shop where you can help sort items and price them for sale.
- Libraries have story hours and are always looking for people to read to the children.
- Men’s and Women’s shelters need people to help clean, encourage, and research for resources for the people in their care.
- Food banks always need volunteers to stock shelves, fill food boxes, deliver to the shut ins, and pick up special donations.
- Churches always need people to help clean and prepare the rooms for classes, services, and special projects in the community.
- Many companies have on staff Chaplains that are volunteers. They help with employees experiencing life changing events.
- Hospitals have needs for volunteers to help patients get to their area of care. Directing people, pushing wheelchairs, comforting a spouse or child dealing with very difficult emotions from the loss of a loved one.
- Eat dinner by _____. Just like when you worked, dinner is the “end of the day meal” that makes the break from “Work” to “Pleasure”! Set the table, make a full meal, sit down, take the time to relax and reflect on your day, just like you have always done. Don’t grab something cold out of the refrigerator and hang over the kitchen sink to eat it. You are more important than that. You deserve the extra time for a favorite meal with soft music and candle on the table. Set a time – not just whenever!!
- Visit others. Remember when you wished you had the time to go visit a relative far away, but you never did? Schedule a time. Make plans and have an agenda for when you get there. Pick up those travel brochures for the area they are in and make plans to visit a number of sites each day. Make it a special event, not just a drive by, say “Hello!” and off again. Make it special.
- Take a class. What have you always wanted to learn but never had the time to go to a class to learn it? Drawing, painting, a foreign language, auto mechanics, computer skills, gardening, animal husbandry, so many other subjects are out there to choose from. Go online and find where they offer those sorts of classes. It could be a college, a library, a business that offers evening classes, it could be online classes. There are so many options. The more you challenge your mind, the younger it stays.
- Start a hobby you always wanted to try. Wow, that’s such a huge base, I wouldn’t even know what to suggest. In my case I wasn’t allowed to exert myself, so I started to watercolor. I tossed a whole lot of paintings in the trash at first, but now I actually sell some! I learned from online tutorials and purchasing my supplies online that were delivered to my door. If you really want to do something, you will find a way to make it happen.
- It’s ok to watch TV, as long as it isn’t taking over your day. Set a boundary for yourself for normal day viewing. There are always those stormy weekends when you want to curl up in a soft blanket and binge watch something. That’s okay, as long as it isn’t every day. I don’t turn my TV on until after 6pm. It keeps me from losing focus on what I have set for my daily practices to keep myself strong mentally and physically.
- Go to the library, museum, bookstore, and/or school. I always wished that I had more time to go to these places. Grab out your calendar and plan a day a month, or a week, to go enjoy. Learn as you explore. Journal what you found and how you felt when you were there.
- Invite friends and family over to play board games. Pop the popcorn, make the Kool aide, clear the table, get ready for a few hours of laughter and challenges. I have found the greatest joy in board games. Everyone just becomes themselves – vulnerable and silly!!
- Invite folks over for a meal. If you think that you are the only one who wishes that they had someone else to talk to for a bit, you are sadly mistaken. Many wonderful friendships have developed over a hamburger and French fries!! Having people to your home requires planning, setting up, and preparation. If you can only invite one person because of financial constraints, then just invite one, or you could organize a monthly potluck where everyone brings something. The more the merrier! Provide the place for people to gather. You will be surprised at how many people are looking for others to spend time with, just like you.
- Meet a friend for coffee. If you don’t have a local friend, make a new friend at a coffee shop, or a safe place. It may be brief, or it could start out as a short visit that turns into a life changing event. Offering encouragement or listening to someone going through a difficult time is such a blessing for both of you. You may be listening this time, but next time you may be the person who needs a listening ear.
- Bake a dessert for a family or someone who is shut in. This is something that has almost been lost over the generations. I remember when I was a child that people would bring us a dessert when we moved into a neighborhood, or when one of the family took ill. It doesn’t take much time to bake something, and if you aren’t skilled in that area, there are lots of desserts to choose from at the grocery store. The important thing is that people will realize that you care and are willing to be there for them when they feel so alone. What better feeling is there than that.
- Send cards and letters to folks who mean something to you, or even a stranger that someone has made you aware of that is going through a difficult time. The years of Birthday Cards and Christmas Cards through snail mail are almost gone. I paint cards for people to say thank you, bless them in an event, or just to let them know that I am thinking of them. I always receive a wonderful response, it blesses me as much as it does them.
- Start a blog. It isn’t that hard and there are folks who can help you get it going. Share your story. Your story may seem unique to you, but you will be blessed and surprised at the responses you get from others who are going through the same or similar situations. Share the wisdom you have developed over the years. Teach through your blog. Encourage through your blog. Offer questions of intrigue on your blog.
- Write a book. It isn’t as hard as you think. It could start with your blog, then compiling the blogs into a format that others would enjoy. You could probably take a class that could help you develop the skills to share the story that has been in the back of your mind for years and years. It could be a paper book or an eBook or a coloring book or a children’s book or a book of your photos or illustrations. But it will never exist until you take the time to sit down and write out an outline and then fill in the gaps with the journey and characters and unique storyline that only you can share.
- Plant a garden and can the overflow. I love gardening and have always had something growing. At some of my homes it was small. At some of my homes the plants grew so well that I had to give away fruits and vegetables, and in a few places I was able to can my fruits and vegetables for sale and storage.
- Raise chickens and ducks and sell the eggs. This is one of my favorite things to do. Those little lives all have their own little personalities and quirks! Plus, I made a good income from the sale of fresh cage-free eggs. Double benefit!!
- Find something you are interested in and learn everything you can about it. Visit it, write about it, teach about it. Find your passion. I know that I have repeated this several times in this article, but it is critically important. What makes you excited to get up for? How can you share and teach that excitement to others? You used to HAVE to get up, now you need to find something that makes you WANT to get up. What is it???
- Drive to a lake to reflect and journal. I love doing this. Just finding a place of peace to review where I am in life, how it relates to where I have been and where I want to be. Journal your thoughts.
- Go on a hike. The time it takes you walk has so many benefits. Physically it helps you stay in shape and strengthen your lungs and heart. Mentally you reflect on what you are seeing, how it relates to where you are in life, where you can go to build on the desires you have had, but never had time to do before.
- Find an accountability partner. This is the best thing that I have ever done. Someone who keeps you accountable to the things in life you want to accomplish, and those that you don’t want to fall back into. Your accountability partner could be the person you have lunch with, coffee with, invite over for dinner, or email when things get tough. It is someone that you trust with your dreams and your failures. It is someone that you give permission to correct you, or encourage you, or turn you around when you are heading in the wrong direction. My closest friends and family are my accountability partners, but who you choose depends on your personality and who you feel safest speaking too. It could also be a counselor or a priest.
- Join a gym. You definitely need an accountability partner here! Someone to challenge you and make sure that you don’t skip out on your scheduled time to exercise and grow. Plus, we all feel so much better after getting a good workout. Warning – it could result in the purchasing of a new wardrobe! Nothing wrong with that!!
- Find a group to join that meets at least once a week. Find a subject that you want to know more about and find a group that meets about it. You will find people of like minds in subjects that you can share your expertise in and that you can learn from. What a better way to make new friends with your same interests and desires.
I hope this writing has encouraged you to take control of your life when things around you seem to be crashing down. You can make the changes you need to find your purpose once again. You can make the change to start a new career, or begin a new endeavour that you never had the time to begin before. You can find a reason to get out of bed every morning with enthusiasm for what you are about to encounter and learn. I believe in you, believe in yourself.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences about your journey to your “New Normal”.
By Linda J Humes
written 1-2-2021
Linda J. Humes 